With every heartbeat

It was snowing this morning. I like the winter. I have many good memories from childhood in wintertime when we were sliding downhill on plasticbags and made snowmen and had hot chocolate with a lot of whipped cream. I also have some bad aswell when my mother was ill and i found her in the garage after a overdose of sleepingpills. Sad! I'm not going to end up like my mother. I want to leve a happy and peaceful life with a lot of nice adventures.

To much caffein in my bloodstream

I'm going to "work" or I mean it's not a real job because I don't get paid. (I get some sort of financial support from the community. It is my first day and I am kind of nervous cause I have not met the other people who works there or the the elderly people that we are taking care of cause it is a home for retired people who can not take care of themselves. I was told not to lift heavy or assist the elderly to go to the bathroom and that sort of stuff. I am just going to make cookies and cinnamon rolls and hang out with them and entertain them so I guess it's kind of cool.

I woke up at four in the morning. The sleeping pills aint working! Now I am drinking a hell a lot of coffee to be able to cope with the day.

Wuthering heights

Hardships

Had strange dreams last night. I don't really remember what they were all about but I remember that they were strange. I had a peculiar feeling when I woke up. One dream was about that I was held as a hostage somwhere and threathened with a gun. I wonder what that could possibly mean?

I feel like a expired milkpack or someting. God I am old. Turning 31 in May next year and what have I accomplished really? Nothing! I am fat, poor, single and childless. Sounds wonderful! Yeah right.

Today I am going to the obesity clinic and weigh my self i think I have gained one or two punds instead of losing. I hope they won't kick me out of the program.

Early this morning I took driving lessons. I am getting better but I can't park a car. I must get the damn driver's licence before I move to LA.

How many licks?

Smoking a lot of cigarettes. This is not good for me! I wish I could stop but I guess you need to have at least one vice and mine happens to be smoking. I'm also very fat. I gained a lot of weight when I started taking my medication for bipolar disorder. I'm trying to lose all this bloat but it is very difficult cause I am addicted to food. Today I had two small hotdogs for lunch. How healthy is that! But it was the only stuff that was in my fridge and I'm terribly broke at the moment. So I guess it is better to eat anything at all then go with an empty stomach for too long and eventually be very hungry and bulk on a tremendous amount of food.

My life is very uninteresting and boring. I don't know what to do to make it more exciting! You tell me! I wish I had a boyfriend to wrap my arms around. But my self esteem is so low at teh moment that I avoid social happenings so I hardly ever meet anyone at all. I really hope for a change!

Bea in Los Angeles 2011

If everything proceeds well according to my plans I will move to Los Angeles in August 2011! I'm so excited about it and I can't hardly wait. I am expecting to meet a lot of crazy people and to have a lots of fun. I won't spend my tutition fee for school on drugs and alcohol I will be responsible but still not boring. I have inherited a small piece of land and wood from my mother. Hopefully I'm able to sell it before I go so I will be able to buy a car and live in an acceptable apartment. Hopefully I will meet someone special in LA, or at least have a fling with somebody.